Witness

“Witness”

Like a child who wants nothing more than the attention and loving gaze of its parent, observing and acknowledging and applauding its antics, so my animal. Nothing matters more than that I train my gaze upon her, as if she is all the world to me, which she is, and that I in turn, fill my heart and soul with her essence, that she is enough. In these shared moments that is all each of us needs to feel the other’s heart. We all, children at heart, want to be witnessed, to be the object of our beloved’s attention and affection, their loving gaze upon us, taking pleasure in our joy, our smile, our laugh, who giggles at and with us, what we do, how we do it and most importantly, in who we are, seeing into our essence, our spirit, even our soul. It is one of our deep longings.

And so it is that this silk soft little purring animal in front of me, stretches out under my adoring gaze and unfolds, moment by moment, before my eyes, in our 18 months together, my 7 year old girl is coming to know, yes, to feel how integral to my life she is. I endorse her, all of her, everything she does, everything she is. There is never “no!” only “yes” and plenty of it. I applaud her wonderful breathtaking, funny antics, her high wire trapeze act, flying across the 15’stairwell, her dives into the tissue paper games I’ve taught her to love, her kicking the Alpaca ball I bought her, her flights 4’ into the air to catch wads of paper I throw her way. “Gracie,” I whisper, “I love you,” then coo to her, murmur more sweet nothings. My heart swells when she receives, yes, plunges into and sniffs like a dog, everything that I bring home and lay before her, whether the little nylon hut, the new cat tree, cat nip sacks. She appreciates with a level of zest I’ve never noticed in a cat before and it brings me endless joy. 

I lay before her a blank tableau into which she can become everything she was meant to be. In whatever ways that may have been hidden, squelched, punished, ridiculed, abused, or shamed in the past, my dedication is to help those memories slowly recede into the distant past, perhaps even to be erased one day. I ask her: help guide me to what you need.

One day, perhaps, she will not jump when the toast pops from the toaster or hide during thunder or heavy rain. Perhaps one day she will not flinch when I go to pet her. She will not recoil when I try to comb her soft fur. Perhaps one day she will move gradually from sleeping at my feet to my side, then perhaps even on my chest, to snuggle against me, feel my protection and enduring love. Perhaps one day, fully, she will come to know without reservation, that our bond is inviolable, that we belong to each other, that there is no going back, that I am hers and maybe in her own cat-like way, she will allow that she is mine and nothing will or can ever come between us, not even death, and that I will eventually come back even from that long trip!

When I invade this time with my smart phone, the energy shifts, it dissipates and she feels my focus dilute. I am no longer present to her and she feels the energetic difference even if I try to hide it. Our connection is temporarily set aside. I am no longer witness to her and we will pick it up later. 

Still, she will carry the memory moment to moment, of knowing what being adored feels like and that she is safe and can breathe more of herself, into herself. She is home.